Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
respect
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?