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@TVsCarlKinsella: Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Cotton Eye Joe
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping]
"Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER"
I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
@Token_Geezer: If I had a parrot I'd teach it to say "I know where they buried the bodies"
@murrman5: I'm off to the store
got your wallet?
*hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
@flashember: DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
@longwall26: I scream. You scream. We all scream. We're being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.