your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You Might Also Like
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
put ‘er there pardner!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m ready for Halloween this year
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Why is no one talking about this?!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”