“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Going into Monday like
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?