@Marlebean: "Say TGIF ONE more time" I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, "Go ahead, say it again."
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@RyanofAvalon: Friend: "Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?" I'd rather you didgerididn't.
@internetluke: [cops showing wife my body] "Why is he 50m from where he got shot?" "Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history"