“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
the prophecy has been fulfilled
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
bias laundering edition
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
peak technology
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.