For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
new wife guy just dropped
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
The USS B port