Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
this has done me in for some reason
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.