I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Just how popey was the pope today?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda