@ewws13: Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
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@Matt_the_1st: Due to an unforeseen error during last night's love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
@noog: People act like weed is the worst thing for short-term memory. Go drink 15 beers and see if you can remember your name or how legs work.
@eggnook: Wife: What are you gonna do today? Me: Shower. W: ...what else? M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.
@panmidwest: CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5's and a 10? ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote 'never change' in my high school yearbook] no