@ewws13: Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
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@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@XplodingUnicorn: I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school. It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.