say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff