My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
That 👊