Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Banking tips
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”