Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————