@SgtButtCheeks: Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority
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@goulden_eye: Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
@SirEviscerate: *re-dials* Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
@SexySillyGrl: Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated
@djdarrellripley: Him: How does my football throw look to you? Me: Like you're good at science...