@SgtButtCheeks: Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority
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@UNTRESOR: I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
@underrateDad: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 4,917 times and you're probably my kids.
@blopt: My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"