Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.