@JermHimselfish: I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

@RandiLawson: Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.

@psybermonkey: The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

@JohnLyonTweets: Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.