saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The Assassin.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day