Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is