@DadandBuried: Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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@vapidaccount: Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes: Please stop. Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women. Love, M
@Ygrene: *Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.