Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”