Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Time for evil
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.