Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?