Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
You Might Also Like
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.