Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.