Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…