saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Not even remotely sorry.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
lmfao
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Those are good neighbors.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.