Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on