Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now