@ElgatoEsmio: Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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@QwertyJones3: [Blue whale documentary] This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day. Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I'm kind of a foodie.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready