@ElgatoEsmio: Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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@bingowings14: As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
@jergarl: 1980: busy signal (I'm busy af) 1990: call waiting (hold on I'm busy af) 2017: voicemail (I declined your call to watch cat videos)
@Tommytoughstuff: "Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
@UncleDuke1969: Jim: I'm totally spacing out on a word. Me: OK J: What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink? M: Linda.