Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.