[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
satan: not today, microsoft teams
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Fight
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down