“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
You Might Also Like
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Thursday Thought.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I love wikipedia
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I have many caverns
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts