*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When you let grandma cat sit
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.