Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
relationship goals
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
…żyje?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle