[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
File under excellent bookstore names.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
car not found
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.