SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Something Saturday.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.