@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
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@DaddyJew: Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for
@JediGigi: To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
@SteveSuckington: [camping] "Dad I'm afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me" -don't be silly. It'll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
@ObscureGent: Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that's on fire.