Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.