can I use a minion as a tampon
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.