The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
You Might Also Like
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.