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I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
How to make infinite energy.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!