scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Don’t snitch tag.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
OMG 🤣🤣
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I need better friends
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter