Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Labreador
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”