Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Dune (2021)
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet