@Zombie_Kit: Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
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@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@ehdannyboy: I took biscuits with me on a date once. She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
@BlindChow: [hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. "Yay!" Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease. "So wait–my Vine didn't go viral?"