[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.