@DaddyJew: *reaches for the stars* Stars: I have a boyfriend

@notalogin: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes

@JohnLyonTweets: [nearing end of first date] Me: I'll give you a call later, OK? Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@brookeisgolden: Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl's, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

@FrenulumBreve: "hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] "what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.