@jbillinson: Biden: They don't really think I'd say this stuff, right? Obama: Come on Joe, you've said worse Biden: HE'S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@savvystrider: The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

@ghostovpiss: what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

@HumanPog: *gets to heaven* omg grandpa!! grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@salmarch79: Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.