[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.