The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The internet is full of many things
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
uncle dave has been through hell
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.