Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You Might Also Like
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.