Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.