School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp