Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
bias laundering edition
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.